Lost at Sea: Finding Our Way in Grief

"There is no question of getting beyond it. The little boat enters the dark fearful gulf and our only cry is to escape – 'put me on land again.' But it’s useless. Nobody listens. The shadowy figure rows on. One ought to sit still and uncover one’s eyes." ~Katherine Mansfield 

Stepping into the Light by Mia Strand

Grief is a unique spiritual, psychological, and physical experience. Whether you're mourning someone who died, a home that you’ve lost, a part of your childhood, your health, or even the end of a relationship, grief can feel like going on a journey. 

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The Journey

Indeed, some describe grief like being in a "foreign country" where all senses are heightened as they learn new surroundings. Others describe it as "path-finding" through thick forests, trekking gnarly mountaintops, or wandering through "valleys of despair." Many describe it like navigating a body of water: an ocean, sea, or winding river. Everyone’s journey is unique, but one commonality is that grief is an active and full-bodied journey that requires time to navigate. As we move through it, we learn to integrate the loss into our lives. 

Although there are many books on the subject, grief isn’t always discussed in our everyday conversations. My Research Assistant, Emily Yuruki, and I are writing this post to honor the experience of grief and to give it the attention and acknowledgment it deserves. We're exploring grief through both personal experience and a scholarly lens in the Human Development & Ecology Lab. Using a method called thematic content analysis, we highlight common themes observed from reading other people’s experiences of loss and grief.

We are also featuring original, grief-inspired artwork from two Boise State student artists, Mia Strand and Saterah Argyle as well as an artist from Detroit, Michigan named Emily Small. You'll even see some of my own line drawings and doodles! As such, this post is collaborative and inspired by many.

Our hope is to achieve two things:

1. Offer comfort and affirmation to anyone currently mourning a loss.

2. Provide some tips on how to support ourselves and others in their grief journey.

Note: although we focus here on grief after the death of a loved one, the underlying message might apply to many kinds of endings or significant changes.

First, let us share an abbreviated look at our own journeys to date:

My dad and me at our last Boise State football game together (I didn't know it would be our last).

Me: Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He was one of my best friends. Nearly two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer (Glioblastoma) and the doctors gave him weeks, maybe months to live. He passed away ten weeks later after enduring major brain surgery, chemo, and radiation. I was right there beside him, holding his hand as he took his last breath to the song "Amazing Grace." As painful as it was to see my dad die, it reminded me of birth and the transformative power of that process. The loss of my dad and everything we went through as a family at home, in the hospital, and during hospice changed me forever. It changed our whole family. How can we not be changed by this? It has taken some time, but now I have newfound insights and appreciations for life, love, family, and the human spirit. 

Emily and her siblings at Christmas time.

Emily: It is a scientific fact that each time you “retrieve” a memory, your brain alters it – even if only slightly. However, when I go back to the memories of losing my brother, it seems they haven’t changed from the day they happened. The funny, sensitive, and outgoing older brother I had always known was taken by bad choices and mother nature. For many years after his passing, I lived in a constant state of grief; even if only slightly. This physiological state was my safe place. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to tell people, but I so badly wanted to talk about the death of my brother. So I let the silence that was associated with my grief consume me. And then, as I let Pandora’s box open, I couldn’t figure out who I was without linking it to my grief. I do believe it is still a major part of who I am, but my entire personality isn’t based upon it. It is no longer my safe place. It’s more of a place that isn’t daunting or inviting, but one that exists. A place I can go to that has an open door but not a revolving one. 

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An Ocean of Emotion

As Emily and I shared our own grief journeys, we noticed some interesting similarities in the way we described it. We saw themes of water (“ocean” and “sea”), feeling alive, and the pain of the loss in relation to love:

Emily: When I think of grief, I correlate it with knowing and believing that I am alive. It is painful, so incredibly painful. At times it can take your breath away. However, I am grateful for it. I am grateful to have loved someone, anyone, anything, so much that the loss of their presence takes my breath away. I used to reject the feelings associated with grief. Now I welcome the absolute ocean of emotions that grief entails.

Me: In the early stages, I felt like I was on a small raft, lost at sea, tossed by monstrous waves: all alone in the darkness and scared out of my mind. Though I’m more at peace now, almost two years later, I still get rocked by waves of grief. But I’m better able to navigate the waves now. Sometimes they crush me and I’m humbled by the sea once again. Sometimes I surf those big waves and shout “Bring it on! I am alive!” Because I loved my dad deeply, I also get to experience the deep pain associated with the love.

Light on the Stormy Sea by Emily Small

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The Griever’s Journey Described

Emily and I were honored to read hundreds of narratives from people willing to share their experiences with us. We were curious how others describe grief and whether there were any similarities in their stories. To date, thematic content analysis reveals five common themes which are summarized below:

Theme 1: Grief is a Whole-Body Experience

Grief isn’t just sadness or tears. It seeps into every cell of our being. Many people express that grief feels a particular way in their bodies. The chest might feel heavy; the heart literally broken or shattered. It can hijack the brain, making it hard to focus and make decisions. It can settle in the gut, affecting appetite and digestion. Grief can also manifest as pain or tension in our muscles and bones. It's not just emotional; it’s deeply physical.

Theme 2: Grief Follows No Specific Timeline

The cliché that “grief isn’t linear” feels so true for many. Grief can drag us down or buoy us up, sometimes in the same moment – and these moments can stretch into months, years, and forever. Time can feel strangely distorted while grieving too. The passage of time brings important markers that remind us of what happened “one year ago today” – anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can resurface all kinds of feelings. We might be thrown right back to earlier stages of grief, seemingly “regressing.” Although time was reported to help many grievers integrate the loss, there is no such thing as “getting over it.” We can grow around it, but the timing and patterns of that growth are highly specific to each person and situation. 

Theme 3: Losing Someone is Not Always Just a Singular Loss

Loss and grief can often cause a domino or “cascading” effect whereby one significant loss leads to another. Sometimes these secondary or tertiary losses are less obvious to others, but the griever is nonetheless feeling the weight of many changes simultaneously. For example, when Emily's brother died, her role in the family changed. She writes: “I had suddenly become the oldest child, and the heaviness of my new unwelcomed role was crushing.”

Theme 4: Grief Leads to Existential Questions

Losing someone, especially to death, forces us to confront big questions about what comes next. What happens after we die? Where do our loved ones go? Some cling to the notion of Heaven. Some state they “just don’t know.” Others create some version of The After Life that brings comfort (e.g., “they are in the stars” or “they live through me”). The absence of their body can make one question everything or it can encourage holding onto existing spiritual beliefs even tighter. 

Theme 5: Grief Reveals New Insights and Life Lessons

In the early days of grief, the idea that the loss might lead to "blessings" can feel so damn infuriating! But in time, the full weight of the despair lessens in some ways, revealing new insights and growth if we are open to receiving it as such. Some express feeling joy more fully because of their suffering. Seemingly opposite states and emotions can be symbiotic and this realization can provide new meaning in life. Some find more compassion and empathy for others who are grieving as a result of their own loss. Others learn valuable life lessons like “tomorrow is never promised, so live fully – and now.”

Considering these themes, Emily and I then focused on how to support ourselves and others in the grief journey. We reached out to our community with a simple question via an Instagram story: "What has been most helpful to you while grieving?"

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How to Support Ourselves and Others in the Grief Journey

The many responses we received coalesced around four primary paths: (1) internal; (2) relational; (3) active; and (4) passive. 

The INNER Journey: Embracing and Processing

The most frequently mentioned helpful practice was to "feel your feelings." It’s OK to not be OK. Allow and validate the full, complex spectrum of emotion: pain, guilt, confusion, sadness, rage, regret, shock… AND without the need to fix it right away. Give yourself loads of compassion and space. Find outlets to release what you feel, whether that's crying, writing, sitting in nature (or yelling into nature!). As one respondent shared, going to a “rage place” where they can throw axes and smash things felt like a healthy release. Healing and integration of the loss requires some “awareness of our mindsets” and allowing that “heart-broken-open” feeling to be felt IN FULL. Some respondents mentioned they needed more “alone time” to process and others found support by processing their feelings with a trusted counselor or mentor.

The RELATIONAL Journey: Connection and Honor

Several respondents shared the importance of genuine connection and honest communication with others as key in their grief journey. For instance, finding people who can "sit with me in the pain and not try to fix it" (holding space) or “connecting with others who share a similar experience” – for example, in a community like Grief Share. Grievers can be honest about their needs and supporters can ask what is needed. Some respondents expressed that they continue to connect with their loved one (whom they’ve lost) by doing their favorite hobbies, talking to them out loud, writing them letters, and focusing on “living my life how they would want me to.” 

The ACTIVE Journey: Movement and Expression

While resting is essential, movement is a powerful channel for grief as many respondents noted. Find physical and somatic release by tiring yourself out with bilateral activity like walking, hiking, running, or biking. Movement also looks like taking “lots of deep breaths” to release tension and to calm the nervous system. Expressive outlets are equally powerful: dancing, playing music, or creating art to honor their loved one was helpful for many. 

The PASSIVE Journey: Time and Perspective

Grief transcends time, so shift from a discrete timeline to a “day-by-day” (or even “moment-by-moment”) approach. The greatest lesson for several respondent was the “healing arc of time” itself and the powerful realization that grief "recedes" and changes over time. Eventually, our grief can "transition from a place we live to a land we visit." This journey requires dedicated rest, distraction (comfort shows, alone time with a pet), and necessary boundaries, like taking care of who you surround yourself with or choosing to disconnect from the internet or your socials for a while.

In summary, the most helpful things weren't single isolated paths, but a holistic roadmap.

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Finding Our Way

Supporting yourself in grief means nurturing our body, mind, and soul – and giving ourself space to process all the feelings. It might look different every day. To guide us in the journey, we can ask ourselves the following questions: 

"What can I do today to nurture myself in body, mind, and spirit?"

“What is this feeling or challenge teaching me?”

“How will I use these lessons in the future?”

Remember: deep love often equates to deep pain. The two go hand-in-hand. As a result, grief can turn into newfound gratitude for the experience of loving that person with the time you did have together.

"...and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."~Thorton Wilder

When supporting others, remember that every griever is different, but a few general tips might help support their journey.

• Don’t worry too much about crafting “the perfect message” in response to another’s loss. Your words can’t fix their pain. Generic statements like “sorry for your loss” or “condolences” can sometimes feel empty on the receiver’s end, so consider the griever’s specific loss and the context in your message.

  
  

• Saying nothing at all can feel more painful than saying something with good intentions, even if slightly insensitive. Acknowledging their loss and pain is important.

  
  

• Please don’t say things like, “[Name of Lost One] wouldn’t want you to be sad” or “I hope you feel better soon” because these statements suggest that the griever’s feelings should be squashed or rushed. Please be mindful not to dismiss their unique path and timeline they’re on. 

• Words have their limits, but actions of support speak volumes: drop off groceries, a meal, or a gift card to their favorite take-out spot.

• Do say their loved one’s name. It can be comforting to hear the name of the person they lost. If you have a story or a nice memory to share, offer it.

• Do check in, but have no expectations. A text or a call to say you’re thinking of them can mean the world, but don’t expect an immediate reply or a formal thank-you for any gifts you generously give. A lack of response isn’t a sign of ingratitude; it’s often a sign of being overwhelmed.

• Continue checking in with them months or even years after the loss. Help the griever keep their loved one's memory alive by sharing stories or pictures.

  
  

The best thing anyone can offer is an understanding and listening ear. Some people just want others to sit with them in their grief, trying to solve nothing, but rather just being there and sharing unspoken space. 

The Silent Garden by Saterah Argyle

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The Universality of Loss and Grief

If you’ve read this far, we want to say thank you. If you’re grieving right now, we see you! Loss and grief are something all humans will eventually confront; and as such, these experiences unite us. When we recognize the universality of loss and grief, there is potential to build compassion and collective insight around navigating it.

We might be on our own tiny boat, feeling lost and tossed by waves of grief, but uncover your eyes and you'll find your way. Look around and you'll see others trying to navigate the stormy seas too.

We want to say thank you to everyone who shared their stories with us because there is deep connective power in this exchange. If you would like to add any other insights based on your own grief journey, please do. We would love to hear from you in the comments. 

And for anyone looking for some grief-related comfort or inspiration, we've compiled a list of content in this Google Doc. We'll continue to update the list as we learn more and we invite your recommendations as well.

Contributors

Emily Yuruki (Research Assistant; Co-Author)

Mia Strand (Artist)

Saterah Argyle (Artist)

Emily Small (Artist)

Naya Liberty (Research Assistant)

Joselyne Navarrete (Research Assistant)

Grayson Anderson (Research Assistant)

Sailor Nelson (Research Assistant)

Everyone who shared their stories...

Everyone whom we have loved and "lost" in physical form...

"I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death."

~Leo Buscaglia